whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
