I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
