Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(708): View more from Illinois

i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.

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(281): View more from Texas

I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.

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(740): View more from Ohio

So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?

Fav 11 1895 4372
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(954): View more from Florida

I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"

Fav 19 4800 2360
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(908): View more from New Jersey

You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?

Fav 11 2573 1747
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(248): View more from Michigan

There r osticjed everywhere

Fav 12 2032 1379
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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.

Fav 14 3236 1475
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(303): View more from Colorado

Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.

Fav 2 601 644
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(864): View more from South Carolina

i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken

Fav 2 40 16
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