just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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