I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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