She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
