i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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