He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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