Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
