with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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