the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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