I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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