dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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