New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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