Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
