He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
