My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
