so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
