I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
