did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
