I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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