I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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