I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
