haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
