Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you would pick up someone in the library
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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