Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
