thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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