you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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