cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
If I die, sorry about rent.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
