my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
