hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
