Plan B is the new Plan A
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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