"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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