Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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