Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
