I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
