Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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