I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
