good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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