he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
