When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
