OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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