Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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