Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
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