So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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