I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
