She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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