Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
