6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My vagina is very pro this idea
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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