I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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