he thought i was a dude.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
